It sucks to blog from my phone, but its been too long. There's so much to say...
My ex D came back around recently. You know, the one who pulverized the core of my being. His girlfriend, nearly six months pregnant, was arrested in February. She was scheduled to be released in May or June, and my ex wanted to raise some money for the care of their unborn child in the meantime.
He linked up with my sister, A. They had a drug deal going. He started coming around my house for weekly transactions.
I saw him. I spoke to him. I could practically see my mixed emotions of deep betrayal and unceasing love swallowing and fogging up his face like a horrifying mist. He was there, real again. Sitting in my driveway, me in the backseat of his car, only inches apart, listening intensely as I poured out every drop that remained of my heart. He wouldn't look at me at first... And then, he wouldn't look away. He apologized. He said he fucked up. He held back tears while he lit a cigarette. I felt like crying myself, but I didn't. When I told him how much I loved him, it took all of the strength I had to stay unattached. I felt my chin quiver, but no tears. Hate rose up and reminded me of the spears I had been struck with, and I didn't cry.
I wanted so badly just to hit him. To hurt him and make him feel like complete and total scum. But then he told me that he gets cheated on constantly by the girl he's with, and yet he stays. n that moment as he peered off into the distance, I saw love in his eyes. Love for someone that didn't show him any love back. I remembered what that felt like.
Karma can be a despicable thing. I had waited so long for it to show up. I thought it would make everything better. And his words were oh-so-swdet... He said that maybe, someday, we could try again. He said he never knew I loved him so deeply, and that was all that he had ever wanted. He said that if he had known, he would've left the girl he's with now a long time ago. He claimed me to be "the best," after such a long time of me feeling like nothing.
They were such sweet delicacies as my past heart swallowed them down, but felt sour in the pit of my current state. Yes, I got everything I had wanted from him; things I had even given up on. Yes, I had won, but the cost far surpassed such a measly victory. The past cannot be rewritten, and my connection to him can never be revived into the ultimate dedication and beauty of what it once was. I desperately and sorrowfully expressed to him that it never had to be this way... But it was this way, and the damage was so great that my emotions towards him were blocked off by la
Yes, the seal was permanent.
I wished him the best of luck. Made a joke or two for old times' sake, that only we would know. A muffled laugh broke through his realizations for a brief moment. I wanted to hug him. Can you believe that? I wanted to, but my heart said no. I bumped my fist against his. Bid him farewell mentally as I verbally told him I'd see him around.
He came back a few more times. He was sheepish. There were no more intimate conversations. I bought him a few things for his baby once, and that was our last interaction.
His girlfriend was released from jail a very short while ago. He won't be around anytime soon. Maybe never again, even. But, I have a greater sense of closure now. Not solely because of his apology, but, even more so, because it had finally registered to him the depth at which my heart had loved him, and the severity at which it had been broken.
I still feel bitter every few days or so, when I think about them together. But I know the feeling will fade with time. If anything, I should pray for him. That's what he needs right now. Hopefully God will shine the same grace upon him that was beamed upon me. Yeah, I still have a weight in my chest. It's lighter, but it is there. And a tear or two falls every now and then, but I'm not drowning in my heartache anymore. I will always, always love that boy. But that is only a very tiny part of me now. The majority of my self has embraced acceptance, been restored by the workings and awesome power of God, and, miraculously, moved on.
I don't see my life going anywhere. Each year it's the same routine, the same unfinished dreams, and the same idiotic choices. I'm a fool, and this blunt truth is inescapable. It almost defines who I am, to the point where I don't converse with anyone, and I don't make plans to socialize, and I don't express myself to the majority at large, because I'm tired of trying to convince the world otherwise. I just like to stay home and obsess over the foods that I eat, listen to loud, ugly, and/or depressing music, pretend like I'm accomplishing something with random, mundane tasks, and wish upon burning, microscopic dots for a new life, and a new identity.
I seriously have no life motivation or purpose. And as far as my talents go, to be completely honest, they're useless, because they are thoroughly unrefined. Who can take pride in being a singer, if they're not the best singer? Who can take pride in sketching, writing, etc., if one's highest level of achievement is mediocrity?
I hateee myself, hate, hate, hateeee, and I cant seem to feel otherwise. I dwell on the past and all of its stupid sequence.
Why did I date that douchebag when I wasn't even attracted to him to begin with? And why did I get engaged to someone with an ego as big as the sun, who constantly treated me like an overly-used doormat? And why do I even CARE about relationships so much?? There is so much more to life, and yet I sit here practically REHEARSING the same basic concepts... it's like my mind is a hamster on a friggin' wheel, for Pete's sake.
Compliments and encouragement from others register as false, and only prove to further inflame my self-hatred, for whatever reason. I guess they just refocus my attention on my flaws, while mixing with that unsettling feeling of disagreement with an obviously well-intentioned individual. I am a giant, worthless, loathsome sack of flesh, filled with fears, ignorance, unceasing turmoil, and flat-out ugliness. I am disgusting, point blank, and all I ask for is a SINGLE reason to be here. A single purpose to fulfill. Where is my duty in life? Where is the change that leaves from me and plants the seed of change in the world?
Ah, well... I suppose it doesn't exist. Or if it does (impossible, I know, but bear with me) it's so hidden that I will never be able to find this purpose on my own.
I've been at my current job for nearly ten months now. It's crazy how different I've become since I started working there. I've grown up a lot, & developed a thicker skin as well. I've been given a glance at the inner-workings of a store that I never thought twice about in the past, as well as a personal perspective of the lives of my fellow employees.
As I would assume is true with most jobs, there are some pros & cons to deal with. The work I do is physically hard. I enjoy it some days, when I am amped up with a strange albeit typical bust of energy, but on days where my body is physically dragging, it's tortuous. We are also currently understaffed so things have been much more difficult than usual. I really enjoy the large & diverse group of people that I work with, however. And obviously, ba
Of course, I won't be there forever. Once I hit the one-year mark, I've decided to move on. I am very thankful for my job, but I just can't do it much longer. The physical demands alone leave me exhausted after I get home, & working third shift is sooo hard on your body. A job during daylight hours would almost feel like a vacation to me.
Other than that, I've been meaning to talk about a relationship I just got out of. There isn't much to say but, seeing as how I got engaged to the guy, I suppose it's worth mentioning... Lol. It was a rough relationship. Very stressful & emotionally abusive. I cared about the guy & put forth a decent amount of effort, but it was nothing to me like my first relationship... My heart just wasn't touched in the same way. Not that such a fact is too surprising, though. I sometimes wonder if I'll EVER love anyone as much as my first love. Myheart, life, & future were changed by that man.
Welp, that's it for now. Just wanted to add a few events to my written timeline I suppose. I hope that everyone here is doing well. It probably doesn't seem like it, seeing as how I barely spend time here anymore, but I miss all of you very much, & think about you constantly! You all mean so much to me. Thank you for all of your constant love & support...You are my biggest motivators in life, by far.
I'm so tired of waiting. I know You hear me God. The words You send my way verify it day after day. I know You see my heart, past the la
I love You very much. And although I know my apologies aren't needed, I ache for Your contentment. I'm sorry for the pain & grief I've put you through. I'm sorry for straying from Your side, time & time again, even though I KNOW that I can't live without You.
Help me, God. I'm not as loving or as patient as You. I let the world get to me. I feel the rising, maddening monster called Anger climbing onto my tongue, trying to unleash its flames on the world.
You won't forget me, but *I* forget. I keep running, chasing the redundancy and vanity of the world. Show me the way to go.
My love for him hangs onto my heart, a steel weight drenched in words unspoken & secrets untold. I hate what he did to me, the way in which he collapsed my soul like some pathetic house of cards... But him, I love.
His voice. His words. His furrowed brow. His childlike smile & the reddening warmth in his irises when he looked at me and ONLY me... A warmth that engulfed my focus & made me want to crawl into the black universe hidden as his pupil, becoming physically one with the spirit that I could already feel radiating towards me.
It isn't fair. I know they tell you to expect that, but no one ever mentioned to such an immense degree. I was stabbed in the back until the blade of betrayal pierced through to my heart, & the love therein was suddenly, surprisingly mixed with the boiling bloods of hatred.
Oh, this sorrow... When will the core-wrenching pangs of it end?
So... I've managed to get myself into quite a pickle.
I met a guy at work a week or so after I began my job there. Many, many men have come my way in the past couple of months, and this doesn't surprise me ba
So, yeah, I took an interest in this guy. I wasn't exceptionally attracted to him physically, but on top of all of the Christian influence in his life, he also had a very attractive personality that meshed well with mine, in addition to a strong work ethic, which I liked. And so, as you might imagine, after a handful of pleasant conversations, he invited me out for lunch and I agreed. I also agreed the next day, and the next, until it became a regular thing for us over these past couple of weeks.
Things were unsettling almost immediately. I was content with our friendship and the lingering possibility of something more, whereas he began to pressure me towards taking things further and entering a relationship. I told him the basics of my recent break up, and that if anything was meant to transpire between the two of us, it was going to happen at a slow and steady pace. I made it clear that I was interested in getting to know him further before jumping into a concrete commitment, but everyday, at one point or another, he would ask me again to "just do it." Seeing as how my life is not a Nike commercial, I refused to "just do it," although with or without my consent, things somehow became official for him. More than that, really... things became uneven for the two of us.
One day, during my break, I walked outside and posted myself up against the wall at work, waiting for him. A man approached me and made an attempt to hit on me, while B (you should know by now, I never use full names...) walked outside in the middle of it. He could tell what was happening and his demeanor quickly changed. I cut the random guy off mid-conversation, wished him the best, and walked off towards B. He was silent for a moment as we strolled towards the other end of the building.
"Who was that?" He asked.
"I don't know," I said, "Just some guy trying to pick me up."
He laughed then, but his face looked pained. "Maybe you wouldn't have such a problem with males hitting on you if you wore baggier clothes to work," he began. "In fact, you should stop wearing make-up to work, too." I didn't really know what to say at first, but his comments definitely upset me. "I'm not trying to draw attention to myself, B. I don't see what's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing... and I wear make-up for me, not for anyone else, and not with any intentions. It makes me feel a little better about myself and I don't see a problem with it."
He shrugged off the "incident" and we carried on with conversation, but more comments followed in the days to come. I came outside one evening about 15 minutes later than usual and he practically interrogated me. "Where were you? Who were you with? You really expect me to believe that?" (By the way, I was late coming out that day because I couldn't decide on my lunch... not because I was engaged in some sort of rendezvous in the breakroom).
A day or so later, when we met up, he asked me if I had something to tell him. "Um... what do you mean?" I asked, completely clueless. "Someone told me that you were talking to a male customer yesterday for fifteen minutes." Ok... for one, so what if I was? Am I not allowed to engage in conversation with any person possessing different genitalia? For another thing, I knew the guy-- he was an old and very good friend of mine, and I have no reason to be ashamed of that. Thirdly, even though we aren't yet official, I have enough respect for our current engagements and circumstance to show you due respect, and you were actually one of the first people that I mentioned to this guy when he asked me how my life was going. Arghhhh. >:( I don't mean to make it sound like this guy is the most horrible man on the planet. He's not. But some of the things he's said to me have really stuck with me in a very bad way, and we aren't even in a relationship yet... I can only imagine how things would change if we were. Also, on top of these off-hand remarks and subtle accusations, I received an unsettling message from the mother of his child (yes, he has kids) just yesterday, saying that he's not the Christian type that he pretends to be, among other things. Worst part about it? I'm really starting to believe her, although he says she's just trying to cause problems in his life.
I really don't think that I can deal with this sort of relationship, and doubt that I am meant to. It probably sounds like I'm bashing this guy, but truthfully, those aren't my intentions. I just need to vent this to the world because when it all stays in my head, I lose a clear perspective and honestly begin to consider looking past these instances and making this man a part of my near future. May God save me from my idiocy; may God save me from myself.
I'm tired, but I'll write... mostly, because I miss all of you horribly, but also, because my pride has somehow convinced me that someone, somewhere might be semi-interested in where (and how) I've been. I'll begin my blabbering now... enjoy (or, at the very least, try to).
I'm working. At keeping my head above water mostly, but also, a job. I couldn't be more thankful for it... I wish I could express how much this opportunity has meant, and continues to mean, to me. With my severe social anxiety and plague of suicidal thoughts, I never saw myself working steadily, especially without medication, but it's happening. Some days are harder than others, and I've had more than a few thoughts about throwing in the towel, but I just... keep going. I dunno. I keep praying, pushing, trying... and I'm slowly (slowlyyyy) pushing out of this dirt of the earth and tasting sunshine.
Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to be alive. Not only to be here writing, rather than cold and lifeless in a grave somewhere, but also to be living the blessed life that I have been given. One on which God has chosen to place his hand. It's true that it has been hard, and continues to be at times, but from every experience, I find a lesson; a new piece to the puzzle we all work towards solving. I've also been protected, even by my pain. I've been "preserved," God has told me, and I have no words to describe my gratitude.
Why me, I wonder... Why has God spared me? I couldn't begin to fathom up an answer, but I do know that he has taken a hold of my heart and refuses to let go. And, In my inexpressible appreciation, I have no other desire than to hold up my end of the bargain, and obey what he asks of me, finally, and eternally. My trust is in Him, fully. When I have been weak, He has been my strength, and when I came to the end of me, there was life in Him.
It's as if I've jumped off of the edge of a cliff, only to take flight. <3
I used to love words. I used to love how easy it was to bring any thought, feeling, or image to life, simply by stringing together a few scribbles or characters. Now I view them as potentially treacherous... to be used on rare occasions, with 100% honesty... nothing more and nothing less.
I used to believe words, especially those that were spoken. I put a lot of faith and trust into what was said, rather than ensuring that it aligned with people's actions. I believed my dad when he held me in his arms, sobbing, saying that he would never drink again. I believed my mom when she said that I could rely on her. I believed my ex when he swore that he would never do me wrong.
Life is a funny thing... it's beautiful, no doubt, but painful an almost equal amount. The fairytales that we were taught to believe in as children are the same ones that we are eventually forced to let go of as adults. Our dreams die, yet we live on... and it all feels like a dream, surviving without any motivation or choice. Surviving with the recession of a childlike purity in our hearts... a childlike trust.
Sometimes, surviving without any desire to.
I love life, but I don't love where I live it. I don't love what I am, or what anyone is. I crave escape, and even pray for it, but it never comes. The burn of reality is something I must learn to accept. Sometimes, things are good, while other times they are far, far, from it. People leave. People lie. Even I leave, and lie... And this is all a part of life. As intelligence and meaning grow in and towards a certain subject, so does pain, confusion, bitterness, and agony. But ignorance isn't the answer, either... Ignorance will only leave you in that dream world, which, no matter how lovely, is still nothing more than a dazzling, well-constructed lie.
I've come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is simply one's best. Despite what the outcome may be, do your best. Love with all your heart. Dance with all of your joy. Give with all you have. Not every battle will be won, but who cares, as long as you go out fighting?
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I have been extremely, extremely, extremely depressed. So depressed, in fact, that I came closer than ever before to ending my life last week. Ahem... let me begin:
I decided to go for a walk. I had no destination planned, nor time limit- I just needed to clear my head and I needed the representation of pushing myself, even if it was only in a literal sense. I wanted to weaken and exhaust my muscles in order to weaken and exhaust the anger and bitterness that had been welling up inside of me for weeks, stealing my joy and sense of peace. I also wanted to avoid the overwhelming urge to self-injure, and so, I began.
All was well and carried on that way for quite some time. It was night, and it was raining. I held a large umbrella over my head as I trudged through the sodden fields of my lifeless town in thick, black, leather boots. While venturing, I began to near the local railroad tracks, and just as I prepared to pass over them, the railroad crossing lowered its arms, signifying an approaching train.
I took a few steps back and clung to a small tree while the wind blew and the train rushed by. As I watched this dirty monstrosity of steel barreling on before me, I could only think of my death. I pictured my body being hurled onto the tracks and pulverized my those whirling, powerful wheels.
Suddenly, I let go of the tree, and I took a few steps closer.
Jump, I told myself.
My life and death were side by side in that moment, and it thrilled me to be dancing on their edges. I could feel the vibrations of the tracks rippling towards my feet, and I spread my arms out on either side, so ready to embrace the end.
It was frightening, how close I came... For weeks, I had been marinating in my loneliness and heartache, and suddenly there I was, standing in the pouring rain as the whistle of the train screamed into my soul. It screamed out all of my pain and frustrations, egging me on while bringing the chaos of my mind to life.
I let out a scream myself then, and threw myself back towards the tree rather than forward, fallen and defeated. I just wanted to die, but I knew that I couldn't; it wasn't right, and I hated that fact.
I don't know what to do with myself. I can only feel pain. I can only think of my sadness. On the most beautiful of days, I look outside and see nothing but a dreary, ugly, useless world. When I talk to people, I can only see their masks. Night after night, I toss and turn, unable to sleep, and more often than I'd like, I break down into tears, my heart heaving in anguish and despair, begging for mercy and relief.
I began this entry quite reluctantly, plagued by a sense of agonizing sadness that I needed to share. You see, I'm the type of person who likes to express a sense of strength; I like to always put forth the best, most powerful, and thoroughly influential self that I can. But, wallowing here in my depression on the 5th of May, I needed so badly just to write, even though my only inspiration seemed to be that of the lingering heartache I was experiencing.
I should say here that I'm not one of those people who are obliviously and/or openly emotional. In fact, I don't like talking about the way that I "feel" at all; I just need to get it out sometimes, especially here at EP, because I have no one in my day-to-day life that's willing to listen, and whether I like it or not, "feeling" has been a constant for me as of late.
So, I began putting my despair into words, but in the process of working through my pain, I quickly stumbled upon a great epiphany. This broken heart of mine that I've been struggling with the reparations of was a basic product of my self-defeating subconscious, practically planned from the very beginning, and this is not an exaggeration. How do I reason, might you ask? Oh, let me begin...
#1~ I knew quite well that my ex and I were a bad match from the start. We had different goals for our future, different lifestyles, different desires, and different tastes in almost every possible area... we were simply not a good fit, even on the most basic of levels, and yes folks, I knew this.
#2~ When things started to turn sour, and my suspicions were raised after his behaviors changed, I refused to listen to my own intuition, as well as willingly making the choice to ignore the reflective and sound advice of those around me. I chose to hold back my feelings in the beginning of our relationship just to protect my heart and pride, and then chose to give my all once I knew that things were coming to an end... oh yes, it all makes sense now. MJ, you evil, cutthroat, conniving, little snake! >:(
It's like I can only find freedom and openness within a predictably hopeless world. And in order to achieve this world, I start with a self-defeating mindset, and then hold back all warmth until the person on the receiving end of my deliberately-chilling demeanor has finally given up on breaking through my iced-over barriers. Then, and only then, do I express my true, raw feelings, because I am still well-protected, well-distanced, and can see where things are headed. Even though the destination is an ugly one, I know what it is, and this gives me power over the situation, as well as myself. It alleviates the fear of "what could be."
Holy crap... I've figured it out.
My only question now is- what sort of therapy am I obviously in need of, and where in the world am I going to find a psychologist capable of tackling this mind? Ugh, I say- simply, ugh. x(
I suppose that the best place to start would be at the beginning of our end. I visited my boyfriend a little over a week ago. It was early in the morning. I walked upstairs to his room, with an old Valentine's day card and Easter candy in hand. As I pushed open the bedroom door, a stream of sunlight hit my eyes, bouncing off of the white walls and making everything that much brighter. My boyfriend, D, was laying on the floor, rather than in his bed, with a thick blanket pulled over his head. I couldn't help but laugh, seeing him curled up on the floor like that. "Baby," I said, gently shaking him, "Baby, wake up."
He sat up, looked around. I crawled onto the floor beside him and he lifted the blanket so that I could slide underneath. I kissed him on the cheek while he wrapped his arms around me, and he said with a smile, "I've missed you."
We spent the rest of that morning together. We visited his family, stopped at the store, and then went to his work. He told me that he had business to take care of later that day, with a "certain" guy, and I knew what that meant. While at his work, he pulled me aside into the bathroom, and showed me the gun that he had been carrying. As I reached forward to touch it, he stopped me, saying that he didn't want my fingerprints to be left on its surface. "Is it loaded?" I asked, watching in amazement while he tucked it back into the waistband of his pants. "Of course," he said.
We sat together in the backroom on his break. There was an old futon back there, covered in a silky amber blanket, along with a few chairs and a TV. I rested my head upon his chest while we sprawled across the futon, and he held me in silence, running his hand over my hair. A friend of his saw us and said, "Isn't that a Kodak moment... And just look at the smile on his face! I'd be smiling, too, if it were me." D laughed, gave me a little squeeze. I wanted to tell him right there that I loved him, but I couldn't say it... I was scared, and I didn't know if the moment was right, but everything in me wanted to say it.
His phone rang. "Yeah, I'll be there... I'll leave right now," he said. He told me that it was time for him to go, and we stood. He pulled me towards him for one last kiss, and then a tight hug. "Say it now," I told myself, but I held back, once again. However, as I turned to watch him leave through the exit, I thought about going home and suffering through another long night with those three words beside me, rather than with D. I ran after him, but by the time I had reached the back door, he was already gone.
It was a few days before I heard from him again. After he finally called, I let him know that my classes were over, and I'd be free the next day if he wanted to hang out again. He said that he would be busy, and then suddenly, that his phone was dying. Let me just say, D's phone is never dying... his phone is practically his source of life. I was irritated, to say the least: "Your phone is dying? Are you serious?" I could almost feel my hope in him deflating. "Yeah," he began, "I know that I usually charge it, but I didn't today. It's dying, though- the red light is on and everything. Plus, I need to call a few people, and..." I cut him off: "If you don't want to talk to me, go ahead and hang up the phone."
D laughed then. "Why wouldn't I want to talk to you?" he asked. I sighed. "I don't know... but it seems that way. We barely see each other, and we barely speak anymore. You tell me that you'd rather me call than text, and when I do, you don't want to talk. Just tell me what you want to do, because I'm tired."
Yeah... I keep it real.
"Of course I want to talk to you, MJ," he said. "Just forget about those other people- I'll just talk to you until my phone dies, if that's what you want me to do." I shook my head then. "It's not what I want. That's the whole point... what about you? Everybody wants something." He didn't say anything, and I continued. "Do you even want to be with me anymore?"
"It's whatever you want to do," he said.
"Oh," I began, really at the end of my rope now, "It's 'whatever I want to do,' huh... Well if you don't know what I want by now, after sticking by you for four months in jail, and being the only one to do so, then I can't help you. I don't know why you can't see it, but I care about you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. But if that's not what you want, I'm also willing to let things be what they are. I'm not stupid, and I won't hold anything against you if you're ready to move on. So just tell me what you want to do- don't bullshit me."
He listened intently, and then replied. "I'm not bullshitting you- I keep it real; I keep it 100. If I didn't want to be with you I'd have no problem saying so. I never stay with someone for no reason. And I know you care about me. It's just hard. I want to do me but I want to be with you, too. I don't know... I'm confused. I confuse my own self! It's not that I want to break up, but you're too busy for me, and I'm too busy for you." I couldn't believe the way that he was acting. "I'm not too busy for you, D," I said. "My classes are over now; I have the rest of my summer free. And I'm not asking you to give up your job, not even your side jobs, to make time for me. It's hard for me too, but just because things are hard, does that mean that we should give up?"
He hesitated. "I mean... no. It doesn't mean that. I do want to be with you, MJ. You know how I feel about you." He laughed then.
"What?" I asked. "Nothing," he said, "Just... you. I'm going to kidnap you... I just can't wait to see you again. We can spend all of next week together."
And that was the plan... but of course, it never happened. The very next day, after feeling like an idiot for once again asking him if he wanted to break up, I went to go leave a cute comment on his Facebook wall in hopes of making up for it. But when I got there, I had already found one left by another girl. A girl that he had been dating on the side, literally dating, for the past 10 days.
There was a post on her wall, too, from him- it said that he was so happy to be with her, and that all he needed was for her to stick by his side. That was all he needed... someone to stick by his side? Unbelievable. And even more so, how just the day before I had given him the perfect opportunity to come clean, or at the very least, break things off, and all he had to say was how "real" he was, and that he wanted to "do him," yet stay with me as well.
I confronted him face-to-face a couple days later, near his work, but he wouldn't even look at me. I asked him why, and all he said was, "I never get to see you. A man has needs."
His new girlfriend was there beside him, and she had no idea who I was. "I don't know what's going on," she said, "But he's with me now."
I laughed. "Well, he was with me, literally, just four days ago, after the two of you had already been dating for almost a week. And he's been with me for the past two months. But you're right- he's all yours now. Have fun."
My heart just... aches. I want so much more than his minimal effort. I want someone who calls me because they want to; not because they feel like they have to. I want someone who does everything in their power to carve out a few minutes for me each day, and truly puts in effort to see me regularly.
I hate this... I feel like I'm on the losing end of a game of chess. One or two wrong moves and my heart has been captured, while my happiness is in checkmate.
I don't know how or why, but I care about him beyond words. Just thinking about his future's possibilities makes my heart throb in pain. It's almost as if this heart of mine has slowly grown and grown, eventually to the point of filling up my entire chest, but now it's suffering because it's love-supply is being rationed out into the smallest doses possible. I have no physical appetite, but my heart is starving. The hunger keeps me up at night, and attaches itself to my thoughts throughout each day. A bite or two can get me by, but in the meantime, I'm left empty and aching. I don't know what to do. If this man doesn't love me, I should just let go. This is what I *should* do; believe me, I know. But even without his love, he's willing to stick things out for whatever reason, and from time to time indulges my heart's desire to release its love and affection. I will have to move on some day, and better now than later... But I'm just not ready yet. I need a little more smiling, kissing, and late night talks. I need a little more of his kind words, even though I know they're lies. Just a moment or two more so that I can let it all out, tell him I love him, & give him the piece of my heart that wants to stay with him. Then, I'll say goodbye, and I will go on alone.
I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday.
He and I hadn't hung out in at least two weeks, and I finally had a couple of free days this weekend. He blew me off Friday, and when I asked him on Saturday if he wanted to come over for Easter dinner, all that he said was, "I'll see what I can do."
Really? That's it? After I spent 4 long months writing you, visiting you, sending you pics, and dropping off necessities while you were incarcerated? After I stood by you and stayed dedicated to your welfare, while the rest of your "friends and family" completely lost memory of you?
On top of all the time I've put in, this is the 3rd time that he's blown me off in a little over a week. You see, at first, he didn't really want to text. Then, he didn't want to talk on the phone. Eventually I guess he thought that messenger pigeons were the way to go, because he didn't even want to see me.
So, I broke it off. Again. And I've been sitting here thinking about the break up for the entire day... listening to depressing music, crying, avoiding any sort of consumption or rest... Yes, this is quite the Easter Sunday.
The worst part of all is, I really, truly want to go back to him. I can't even imagine being with someone else... He is all I've ever known and all I want to know. I would even go so far as to say that I love him, and coming from me, that statement is pretty powerful.
I don't know where to go from here. Half of me says I might as well move on, this could be a clean break and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. The other half says, "Who wants to waste time on other fish when you've already caught one that you like, and one that's a sure thing at the moment?"
I'm either being selfish, ignoring all sense and/or logic, or allowing my feelings for him to overshadow what I know very well is the truth.
Whatever the case, it hurts.
I haven't written a blog here in a while, and honestly, I haven't read over my last few in order to compare my current life with how it was a month ago. I don't want to impede my writing today with thoughts of the recent past, because I am starting to feel different, and I am trying to move forward and induce change in my life while the opportunity is present. I'm tired of living in some dreamland, always just "talking" about how I want this and I want that... It's time for me to live my life.
First off, I am back together with my ex, and so far, no regrets. Usually you would here me say something here like, "But only time will tell..." Not that such a statement is false, but at this point, who cares? When you constantly worry about the future, it steals your precious days from the here and now. I am done doing that to myself. If I make a mistake in life, I make a mistake, and If I get hurt, so be it. I won't let a chance at pain keep me from experiencing a chance at happiness.
So, yeah... I'm happy. :) It's crazy to be saying this now when I think about how I used to feel, but I can't deny the truth of it. I'm happy that my boyfriend is the only guy I've been with, and I'm happy that he would marry me, if I'd only give my consent... haha. I'm happy that he says he loves me, and whether that's true or not, I believe that it is by the way that he looks at me, the things that he does for me, and the way that he appreciates what I do for him. I'm happy that I was able to reintroduce God into his life and start a ripple-effect for him that I hope will continue, although even if it doesn't, and even if things were to end right this second, I wouldn't regret any of it... I love spending time with him, just being around him really, and I feel both privileged and blessed that God would use someone like me to bring him closer to his faith. I love how I can fall asleep so much easier when he's laying next to me, making me feel safe and content in his strong arms, and I love how he wakes me up with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. :)
Ahhhh, I'm so happy!! :) Haha, ok, enough of this mushy stuff... sorry folks, I'll move on. ;)
I'm beginning STNA classes this coming Monday with my sister A. I haven't decided against college this August or anything like that, but I figure that in the meantime, I might as well work a higher-paying job than waitressing, hosting, or something of the like. Plus, the classes only take a couple of weeks to complete and with my sister participating in the program as well, I'll always have a reliable ride to and from the classes and work. I also think that having an STNA license under my belt would look a little better on paper than a restaurant or retail store position, and who knows... it might even come in handy some day (not that I have my fingers crossed or anything...lol).
My family life has stayed pretty consistent... and by that I mean, daily drama that Maury Povich himself would sell his soul for at a chance of debuting next season. But something else that has remained consistent in regards to my family is my love for them, for whatever reason. ;)
Hopefully my life is about to make a turn for the best... it certainly seems that way. All I can say is, keep me in your prayers, and please wish me luck... I'll of course be doing the same for you. <3
I just got news that a friend of my sister's, also a girl I went to high school with, overdosed on heroin last night and died. She was around my age; very kind, funny, popular, pretty, and came from a wealthy family. Supposedly, her parents found her last night/morning at 3AM in the bathroom with a needle in her arm.
My sister said that she had overdosed and "died" many times before on heroin, but was always revived. This time, however, she wasn't so lucky. It's crazy too, because her and A hung out only a few days ago, and the girl had said, days before her death, "I wonder what God's plan is for me... so far I don't think he has one, because nothing's happened yet. I don't even know why I'm here."
It's such a shock to me, and such a tragedy. I feel horrible for her family, but especially for her parents, finding their own daughter like that... ugh. :((( I can only hope that my sister and her friends take this as a wake up call.
I can feel it rising up in my chest, squeezing my throat, and digging it's claws into my tongue. The dance I have danced for years... I begin to remember the steps; I begin to sway to the hauntingly familiar and soul-cutting music.
I am trying my best to remain in the bright, pristine, faultless light that hovers around me without a speck or blemish, but how long can I really be expected to live like this? I'm dirty and ugly and dark; I do well in a dimly lit dungeon, sucking the life out of my victim as my venom-drenched lips brush across theirs.
People often say that no one else can understand their life until those around them have lived it... I hate to sound cliché, but there is truth to that. How can anyone empathize with me? I mean, OK, sure- you see my pain. You feel bad. I get that. But do you realize everything that's attached to that pain? The confusion, the overwhelming fog of desire, the irreverent darkness... and even worse, somehow feeling like I belong in it. For whatever reason beneath the sun, feeling like I don't want to live without it...
Actually missing my pain.
I finally... FINALLY... have a job.
A few weeks ago I applied for a receptionist position at a local nursing home and rehabilitation center. I was highly doubtful that they would even consider me for the job. For one thing, I have absolutely NO experience, and for another, my work history is relatively short. However, when I came in for an interview yesterday, they were very friendly and understanding, and told me that they were willing to train the right person.
I was pretty nervous due to my social anxiety... it's weird because I was actually feeling anxious about feeling anxious. I know that my anxiety must be at least somewhat noticeable, although I think that I'm generally able to hide it well, and I didn't want to come across as odd, or even stand-offish. Somehow though, through the grace of God no doubt, I was able to maintain my composure, as well as the smile on my face.
Not only was I hired that day, but I also stuck around for orientation, which lasted a near four and a half hours, which I gotta say, was pretty unexpected. Lol. I first had to fill out a mountain of paperwork, and was then drug tested and given a shot. They took the other new employees and I on a walk-through of the facility shortly after that, and we were bombarded with information and seemingly endless medical terminology. But honestly... I really liked it there, and I feel so blessed to have some sort of income coming my way soon.
My first day is tomorrow, so please wish me luck and keep me in your prayers EP peeps! I'll return the favor anytime. :)
So... it's Christmas Eve.
This is one of my most beloved holidays, and a wonderful time of the year, but I am beginning to notice the less-appealing side of my character slowly peaking its head out as the hours inch closer to "the big day." I've been complaining a lot about how lonely I feel lately, but oddly enough, I am always glad to be alone on Christmas.
There's probably something wrong with feeling this way... at least when it comes to my reasons for enjoying such solitude. I wish that I could explain why I've never envied couples that I see holding hands, exchanging gifts, and/or sharing the loving past-times of Christmas with one another. I suppose that a part of me feels as though I don't deserve, or even belong, in a relationship like that. Honestly, I wouldn't really know how to behave or react if I were dating someone and they bought me a present, or spent Christmas morning with me. Such an experience just seems too good to be true. This is my favorite holiday and it means the most to me out of any time of the year... I can't even imagine Christmas interlaced with romance.
And so, I prefer to spend it alone. I do see my family, of course, but I don't like to get too involved with the "warmth" on Christmas day. I bake some cookies, wrap some presents, and sit back while watching the day unfold and the true meaning of this holiday slowly vanish behind gifts, ornaments, and fruitless carols.
I enjoy the spirit of Christmas... I enjoy the early winter beauty and the random acts of kindness that I often see during this time of year. I do not, however, wish for someone to share it with. Christmas is already a beautiful, precious, fragile gift to me, and all I want for Christmas is Christmas itself.
-Heart-wrenching & laden in pain.
There is nothing more I care to say.
Previous PostsThe Door Closes., posted May 29th, 2013
Pointless., posted March 31st, 2013, 4 comments
Updates & Thank-You's. :), posted February 23rd, 2013, 2 comments
The Chase., posted February 12th, 2013, 4 comments
Sorrow., posted December 31st, 2012, 1 comment
Uhhh... I should just say no, right? >.>, posted August 8th, 2012, 8 comments
My Wings. :), posted July 13th, 2012, 4 comments
Fighting., posted July 13th, 2012, 3 comments
Wait... Why are the corners of my mouth turning upward...? :), posted June 1st, 2012, 16 comments
Close., posted May 19th, 2012, 10 comments
Holy Crap... I've Figured it Out., posted April 24th, 2012, 4 comments
Cheater, Cheater., posted April 24th, 2012, 12 comments
Checkmate., posted April 11th, 2012, 5 comments
Pain, pain, go away., posted April 8th, 2012, 4 comments
Just a Lil' Update... :), posted March 23rd, 2012, 3 comments
Wow..., posted January 28th, 2012, 2 comments
The Strangest Longing., posted January 26th, 2012, 6 comments
A Favor, EP?, posted December 29th, 2011, 1 comment
All I Want For Christmas., posted December 24th, 2011
These Last Few Days..., posted December 18th, 2011
Blood isn't all that thick, when you think about it. -_-, posted December 6th, 2011
A piece of my world., posted November 29th, 2011
The Ache., posted November 17th, 2011, 2 comments
Loneliness vs. Bullshit., posted November 8th, 2011, 1 comment
The Moment..., posted August 13th, 2011, 2 comments
The Beautiful Mind & The Moron., posted August 5th, 2011, 5 comments
Sum quod sum ^_^, posted August 4th, 2011
The Color of Monotony., posted August 4th, 2011
Dreams With Deadlines, posted July 27th, 2011
Mi Familia, posted July 19th, 2011, 1 comment
The Soap Opera Continues..., posted July 1st, 2011, 1 comment
Citrus, posted June 24th, 2011, 3 comments
Hello Tomorrow! :), posted June 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
A Shadowed Disposition, posted June 18th, 2011, 2 comments
Anything, posted June 18th, 2011, 2 comments
Peace Found In Change., posted June 10th, 2011, 2 comments
Raw., posted May 24th, 2011, 1 comment
I can't do that... I cannot deny myself., posted May 15th, 2011
Heartbreaker?, posted May 15th, 2011, 3 comments
Note To Self:, posted May 14th, 2011, 1 comment
A Stranger's Kindness... What A Gift. :), posted May 10th, 2011, 1 comment
Iced Over, Once More., posted May 9th, 2011
Through The Blood, posted May 9th, 2011
Eight Legs, Three Words, & One HUGE Problem., posted May 3rd, 2011
Nudie Pics? Cheese & Rice. -_-, posted May 2nd, 2011, 2 comments
I cant..., posted April 30th, 2011, 1 comment
This time won't you save me? Or should I save myself...?, posted April 27th, 2011, 4 comments
Nothing., posted April 20th, 2011, 2 comments
----H-A-T-E----, posted March 30th, 2011, 1 comment
Pot Thoughts!, posted March 25th, 2011
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